Sickness (any time of day sickness)

The situation:
It is 4 pm and you are face to face with the toilet bowl. Why do they call it morning sickness if you throw up all day long?
Even smells you used to love now make you sick.
Your husband came to kiss you before he left for work, and the smell of his Cologne made you barf. You pass in front of the hot dog stand at the park and run to the closest trash can to puke.
The solution:
Don't worry, in most cases, nausea doesn't last past the second trimester. Then again...it could.
So here are a few tricks to try. You may even want to try them all, at once.
The tools:
1.motion sickness bracelets: you can find these in most pharmacies.A little band with a small ball placed to press the inside of your wrist. Some kind of reflexology. They work.
2.coconut water: it keeps you hydrated, and has protein, and it helps with nausea. What's not to love.
3.umeboshi plums: those are not so easy to find, but worth the search! They're Japanese pickled plums and come in a paste or whole. They are very, very salty, and super sour. The instant they touch your tongue, the nausea is sure to disappear.
4. Ginger: in any form. Tea, ale, raw, powder.

Ode to our readers.

O mothers, mothers we love you,

As you lend your bodies to the future,

You watch your stomach, thighs and bum,

Get to the proportions of a tanker,

The evidence in your albums

Yet you stroke that belly with tenderness,

You look for paint, curtains and linen,

The nursery becomes your canvas,

The little being to be will be its sultan,

Enjoy this time and cherish it,

Ignore, flatulence, swelling and nausea,

To your husband you can give shit,

And if you wish drag to prenatal yoga.

As your bladder seems to get ever smaller,

Shorter and shorter you nights will become,

That is your training O new mother,

For the torture that is to come.

Share your glow fertile goddess,

Do not fear the months to ahead,

This blog is here for you gorgeous,

And by veterans it was proofread,

We vouch we will help you survive,

All this hormonal lunacy,

All the body parts that to make you look fat connive,

Of our experts you are now the trainee.

M.I.L

Situation:

You are in the labour room dilated 8 cenimetres,

your legs are spread apart.

Your jewish mother in-law who has been begging the nurse for three hours to enter the room even though the house is already packed,because she wants to see her first grand child be born (she already has three)since she might have terminal cancer (she found a skin tag on her neck two weeks ago)and might not get to spend time with him (she will be at your house even before you get out of the hospital) finally makes it through the door.

You are in pain and your husband is already pissing the hell out of you, now the source of all his defects is right here hovering over you. Then she does the inimaginable: she rubs your belly and says,

“Get to work, I want to see my baby soon”

What do you do?

A: you bite the crap out of her hand and might even pull a Mike Tyson and move on to the ear.

B:you punch the old bag, you know you'll be able to blame it on momentanous insanity due to labour pain.

C: like a spy in captivity you quietly start planing your escape to another country.

Final act

I am laying in the hospital bed looking red, my legs are spread out on metal bars. In between them, a nurse, an intern and an obstetrician are playing relay with various medical instruments.

The nurse keeps saying “push, push, one more time PUSH!”

The Epidural had worn off, something the sadistic nurse had done on purpose so that I “could feel what was happening” .(bitch!I am a western woman born with a european passport and a medicare card! I do not need to feel my vagina stretch to alarming proportions. I am allowed free drugs NOT to feel that!)

The feeling, can only be described as unnatural. The pain of your body being splayed to expel a foreign body that has been growing inside your womb for nine months can only be compared to an intense empathic-kinaesthetic experience while watching the movie Alien.

I did not find anything magical in that moment, until the foreign body was out.

After cutting the umbilical cord, they took Noam on to the scale, things were still going on between my legs but I didn't feel a thing. My entire mind was focused on this little being. They did the apgar test, I remember thinking that all I wanted was for them to leave him alone and give him to me.

They finally put him on my stomach his head next to my breast. He didn't suck at first, we just looked at each other. This was the magical moment, love was filling my heart at the speed of light.All I wanted to do was to care and protect that little baby.Then he put his mouth around my nipple...

The magic was broken with that first suck, my whole cosmology was shaken, the start of the basic definition of myself was suddenly being shifted from human being to mammal.

I became a milk bar.

And for the next 9 months, I remained a milk bar on a leash.

At times I felt as though I had been taken hostage by an angry leprechaun who had drugged me so that I would attend to his every needs and indulge his every whims. Thankfully for me, I am suffering from a severe and incurable Stockholm syndrome.